Trailer Parking Awards

So in tapping out this latest, meager post, it struck me that blogging is like a socially acceptable form of talking to yourself. That’s how I feel when I do this anyway. Why? Because I have no idea who reads this stuff. Someone’s reading it though, because I check the ol’ blog stats now and then and I’m always surprised – particularly because I only write something new about once a month (okay, maybe it’s more like every six weeks).

Anyway, it seems that trailer reviews get the most reader interest here in general, so I finally got around to writing about the latest and greatest… and not so greatest. To my astonishment, I have seen 61 new trailers, in theatres, since I last reviewed any trailers. Since 61 is way too many to write about individually, and because of the 61 the vast majority are akin to pond scum, I thought I’d mark the ¾ year mark by passing out a few trailer awards. I saved my favorites for the end, so stick around to find out what the best trailer of 2008 is (so far):

First, some trailers I’m very tired of seeing:

The Express, Bolt, Death Race, Lakeview Terrace, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Eagle Eye, Madagascar 2: Escape 2 Africa, The Tale of Desperaux, The Longshots, Babylon A.D., Ghost Town, Star Wars: The Clone Wars

I want to see Eagle Eye, and Bolt looks pretty funny – I’ve just seen their previews too many times already. Now on to the awards…

“Oh no she didn’t” award for outstanding achievement in girlfriend annoyance:

The Women

We’re like, totally as hip as Juno (just check out our title!) and look we even have Michael Cera award:

Nick & Nora’s Infinite Playlist

We don’t have any stars or an original story to tell, but we promise we’ll be really filthy like those other movies we’re clones of award:

College, Sex Drive

Coen Bros. quirkiness act wearing thin award:

Burn After Reading

Look ma, we can be as quirk-a-licious as the Coen Bros. award:

The Brothers Bloom

Weinstein Co. “we’ll release almost anything” award:

Igor

Julianne Moore needs to do an all-out comedy immediately if not sooner award:

Blindness

If I’m feeling too happy and good about life and need to be taken down several notches award:

Tie between: Blindness, Quarantine, Punisher: War Zone, Mirrors, Death Race

Best “you”, “no, you!” triumphant pointing between coach and player award:

The Longshots

Outstanding achievement in number of onscreen tears squeezed into a two-minute trailer award:

Nights in Rodanthe

Quickest descent from intriguing to cheesy within a single trailer award:

Miracle at St. Anna

The it’s amazing how familiar this movie seems award:

Body of Lies

Most elaborate, most brilliant movie hoax/prank award:

W…

Wait, it’s a real movie? With Richard Dreyfus playing Dick Cheney? And it’s a drama, not a comedy? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha… ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee, ho, ho, ho. That’s good stuff.

Someone treat these emos to a Planet Tan session award:

Twilight

Most money spent on a bad idea award:

Fly Me to the Moon
Honorable Mention: Hotel for Dogs

Outstanding achievement in movie and role retread award:

Righteous Kill

Preemptive award for most pretentious trailer of the year:

Watchmen

I hope there’s enough story left over that’s not featured in the trailer award:

Flash of Genius

Absolutely no story revealed in the trailer award:

Marley and Me

Most brilliant marketing, brand capitalization, eye-candy, and loyalty to fans award:

High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Dumb, comic book fatigue award:

The Spirit

Outstanding achievement in towering hairdos award:

The Duchess

Most likely to be crowned by Oprah as best movie in the history of mankind award:

The Secret Life of Bees

Special Achievement award for churning out more movies in a shorter amount of time than any other writer/director/actor on the planet:

Tyler Perry’s The Family That Preys

Most iffy CGI, premise, and remake award:

The Day the Earth Stood Still

Most unfunny, un-French accented, and unsolicited sequel award:

The Pink Panther 2

The Worst Trailer of the Year so far:

Beverly Hills Chihuahua (the one with the singing Aztec Chihuahuas). It is one of the most grating, annoying trailers I’ve ever seen.

Dishonorable mention: Disaster Movie.

On a more positive note:

Funnier than they should be award:

The House Bunny, How to Lose Friends & Alienate People, Role Models

Some very good trailers:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Quantum of Solace, Henry Poole is Here, The Lucky Ones

And finally, the Best trailer of 2008 so far:

Australia

I’m not a big Baz Luhrmann, Nicole Kidman, or Hugh Jackman fan, but this is an absolutely superbly crafted trailer. Excellent music, editing, photography, action, and acting. Plus, it doesn’t give away much story at all! It has a very old-fashioned, John Ford western, Man from Snowy River feel. It hits all the right notes.

That wraps up this edition of Trailer Parking.  Hopefully it won’t be another 61 trailers before I write again!